


Ace Admissions

by Tears_Scars_and_Heartstrings



Series: Space Ace [1]
Category: The X-Files
Genre: AU, Acceptance, Asexual Mulder, Asexuality, F/M, Light Angst, One Shot, Romance, Self-Acceptance, recently established relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-15 09:19:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10553888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tears_Scars_and_Heartstrings/pseuds/Tears_Scars_and_Heartstrings
Summary: Mulder and Scully are in a relationship now but Scully wonders why it is Mulder doesn't seem to be sexually attracted to her and it worries her. He opens up to her about his life with and history with being an asexual.





	

[Set during 2001 but this is AU. Mulder and Scully still work together at the FBI for the X-Files division. Recently established relationship.One-shot.]

They had had a lovely evening together, a nice dinner and a movie _._ Mulder was beaming and Scully had really enjoyed herself though a small part of her worried.

They had been dating for 5 months now after working together for the past 8 years. No one in the world made her feel as safe and happy as he did. She trusted him and loved him completely. Yet it did surprise her when time after time she thought he was going to turn things into a physically intimate situation but no. He would leave her apartment with a kiss goodnight or if he did stay the night it was on her couch, never trying to make a move on her. At first she felt happy with that. She took it to mean he wanted take things slowly. But over and over again he kept not making any advances and she felt self conscious. Was she not attractive to him? Was he more interested in those busty blondes she used to catch him staring at? Maybe a long, lean, tan brunette?

She had looked at her bare body in the mirror one time after again having thoughts like these. She had such nice red hair, her face was beautiful. Otherwise though she felt that she lacked. She wasn't busty or curvy, she was slender and petite. Almost straight up and down. She looked at her body that day and began to cry. No she was not ugly but she was not _beautiful_.

Of course he didn't want her.

Obviously he wanted not a pretty face but a woman with a hot body, an actual sex appeal.

Granted she hadn't seen him read any Playboys since 1994 and she had been to his apartment so many times that she noticed those "tapes that weren't his" were gone. They had been collecting dust for some time and one day they were just gone. She thought that had to do with the girlfriend he had during the time but that didn't last long yet the spot for those tapes was never filled again.

But that didn't mean he didn't still want. He just wanted the real thing.

Right?

But he didn't want her.

* * *

 

Her head snapped back to the present as the door to her apartment opened and Mulder held it open for her. She stepped in and slipped of her jacket and hung it. Her strapless dress clung to her small body except for where it had cut off at the knees. She felt she looked good actually. Maybe tonight with some...encouraging...Mulder would finally feel the same way.

He hung up his jacket and was fixing his long sleeves of his shirt when she initiated many deep kisses and wrapped her arms tightly around his neck and pushed her body against his. Caught by surprise he wrapped his arms around her waist and began kissing back which made Scully hum slightly. She let go of his neck and began tugging at the buttons of his shirt working them undone.  
"Scully, please-no."

She tugged at his jeans now having not heard him entirely, thinking she was having success in turning him on but his arms pushed hers away and he said it again. "Scully. Please. No." His eyes burned into his with a look she couldn't place but his words hit her. _"No."_

He didn't want her.

That reality struck her so hard tears fell from her eyes without her realization.  
"Why not!?" she shouted. "Why am I not good enough for you Mulder!?" His face looked completely shocked but her sadness and anger didn't care. She huffed away to her bedroom and began to change into a t-shirt and leggings. He followed her, begging her to wait. She reached her room before he did and stripped immediately which left her standing there naked before he got to her door. He swallowed nervously and started to speak. "I'll just uh...wait out..."

"What for? We already established you don't find me appealing!" she snapped as she searched for a t-shirt, still completely nude. He walked in slowly, standing near the door. His eyes on her face which had angry tears streaking down it.

"Scully..."

"WHAT?" She snarled.

He swallowed nervously. She continued to dress and before he could find the words to speak, she spat at him with "You know I'm so sorry that I'm just not as sexy and appealing to you as those porn stars! What is it Mulder huh? That I don't have huge breasts? Or a giant ass? That I'm not an hourglass shape? What?!" His eyes locked in on hers after she said "porn stars" and held on. He shook his head when she finished speaking.

"No, Scully, I-"

"What!!? You're sorry but you have tastes and I don't fit that?!" She yelled through tears.

"I don't have tastes period Scully! I'm asexual!" he shouted to be heard which made Scully gasp, both at his yelling and words. He looked ashamed and hurt. He sat down on her bed with his face buried into his hands. She was clothed now and sat next to him. He tried to look her in the face but he couldn't quite. She saw briefly the same look she had seen when he first told her no. She understood better what it was now. A combination of fear and shame.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner...I didn't know how to tell you..." She ran her fingers through his hair.

"I'm right here...I'm listening now. You can tell me..."

He took his hands away from his face and turned to her, that look still present but less.

"I just...I can't really explain it. I...thought that during high school, when other kids were saying about how good sex was and exciting and all...I literally thought it was some kind of inside joke I wasn't in on. I didn't...honestly get it." he looked away with some embarrassment. "Yeah I can get erections sometimes but not very often and it's almost always been unrelated to anything sexual. I even...I even wondered if it meant I was gay."

She caressed his neck with her fingers, encouraging him to continue. He took a moment and did.

"I just couldn't understand it really. There was...a girlfriend I had while at Oxford...and she wanted...to go further. I understood sex and how it worked but I still didn't really...feel it. And I tried to ask of her that we do other things instead but she got offended. Wanted to know why I didn't want to touch her. She started accusing me of cheating on her which of course I wasn't. So yeah I told her the truth...."

He exhaled heavily, struggling to speak his next words. He looked Scully in the eyes.

"She _laughed_ at me. She laughed and asked if I was broken. She pushed me onto the bed and chanted "broken boy" over and over again and then told me to leave cause she didn't want some "broken little boy," she wanted a man, "a big sexy man who could satisfy." "

He shook his head in anger and his breath shook like he was going to cry. Scully gripped him tightly and shushed him, whispered that it was ok. He turned back to her, pain obvious in his eyes.

"I...thought she was right. Obviously something was wrong with me if I couldn't find my own girlfriend attractive. And so I thought...well maybe she just isn't my type. Maybe I'm attracted to a different appearance. So I..took up watching and looking at pornography. I thought if I found what I...""liked""....then I could prove I'm not broken. I tried every type of woman Scully I even went back to the wondering if I was gay and I looked at men just trying to understand why I am broken. I....just don't feel anything. Even when we started working together Scully I was still wondering why I am so broken. I was still trying to at least pretend I'm not broken by having those awful Playboys and tapes around. I figured even if I can't ever fix myself, I can at least hide my brokenness from everyone else..." he leaned his head on her shoulder.

"I finally got rid of them in '94 though. I didn't care to have them around. Figured nobody really cared enough anyways or was paying attention. The woman I was dating then appreciated it but it didn't matter, I still didn't feel any sexual attraction to her. We didn't last long enough for her to find out anyways...I'm so sorry though Scully....I should have told you. I didn't mean to make you feel unwanted...It just didn't even occur to me you might be feeling that way and I didn't feel ready to admit to you my brokenness."

"Mulder stop saying that you're broken."  She made him look her in the eyes. "You are NOT broken. Ok? You are the man I love. You are the kindest, smartest, most wonderful person I know. You are the only one I trust. I can't love you any less for not feeling sexual attraction." she kissed his forehead multiple times then his lips. He pulled away after several kisses.

"I feel like I'm denying you of...physical intimacy. Of the closeness that couples should have..." he admitted. She shook her head.

"Mulder there's tons of people in this world where sex to them is just that. It's sex. No love. It's a physical action with no mental connection. I would rather have no sex and your love rather than your sex and not your love." she kissed him again. After a few minutes he pulled away and looked at her.

"Scully I...would be ok with...trying. For you." he told her. She thought for a moment but shook her head no.

"No Mulder it's ok. You really don't have to. I don't want you to do that to yourself. I love you and I accept whole-heartedly that this is who you are. I don't want you to change yourself. I mean, if you need to change for you, I'll adjust. But otherwise Mulder you don't need to change..."

His eyes seemed to light up at her words. He slowly kissed her over and over again. They leaned back onto the bed together, softly kissing and holding each other. After some time, she dozed off but Mulder was wide awake. He couldn't stop staring at her. She was absolutely gorgeous and frankly he was lightly kicking himself for being so broken.

No. Not broken. Scully's voice in his head reminded him. Not broken. His gaze traveled over her, she was so amazingly beautiful. He needed to make sure she never felt so self-conscious again. He always complimented her smarts but he needed to remember her body too. Maybe even someday he would try to give her that physical intimacy. He'd like that. To try to bring pleasure to her body, even though his own body wouldn't feel much if any pleasure. But Scully's voice again reminded him that she still loves and accepts him as he is. Maybe he never would try to give her that intimacy. He couldn't say for certain what the future would hold. As long as he still had her. He'd move the very axis of the Earth for her. But he didn't have to and that made him smile. He was good enough. He pressed a soft kiss to her forehead then her lips. Her love and acceptance was more than enough. He was joyous to have her. He really was the luckiest man alive. He hoped he would always make her feel that way too.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope you have enjoyed. I don't really know what to say. I just can really see Mulder as either an asexual person or a sexual person easily, easier than just about any other show/movie I watch or have watched. I am asexual myself so there are part of me and my own personal experiences present in Mulder's thoughts and history. 
> 
> Yeah I just really wanted this to exist and now it does. Hooray. 
> 
> If anyone is interested I would be alright with trying to write other stories with asexual characters, not just Mulder and the X-Files. Kudos and comments really help. Thank you again for reading. Have a lovely day.


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